Black Diamonds...

I often ask myself, why do i always fall for the "Impossibles"
Why do i always get so attracted to the "broken" people
Hopeless people, lost, completely miserable and unstable?
They draw me like magnet and it just feels like home.

Ordinary impresses anyone, but not me,it's always the para-normal, the crazy, the wild, the lunatics,
I only seem to connect to those who have black holes in their head, a dark endless spot in their soul, an abyss i fall into when i look in their eyes.


                                               POSESSED

and i wonder! why is it this way, always!, what is it about me? and how does it work and why i just can't control it!

 because! simply because this is the way i am! broken!

learning to drown!

The whole thing for me is fatal...
Since days below the-out-of-portal
before the countdown began!
it began before she even existed!
a selfish, controlling and destroyed authority ; mom!
a fearful image of a cell-guard in a form of a small god ; dad!
and a lonely embryo swimming in a sea of darkness- don't get me out of here! ;her
TOO LATE!.

Imagine this.

An adult who never learned to swim, always been in a shallow water a little pond or a small lake or by the sea-shore playing in the sand watching people splashing by! Imagine this person being pushed into the wide ocean. with all his/her body weight and this and no ground underneath his panicked feet!
Life is a about learning you see!, what if your whole life you only have been learning to drown!!!
You see it everyday around you, it became a normal scenery and a way of living to see people drown and you think HEY, this feels wrong i won't let this body sink!
but that's only in your head! your idea of something isn't the same when actually experiencing it- mind you for  the first time! with all weight you got, strange idea planted in your head , weight on your shoulders and on your knees! strange beliefs! and you thought you in your head "imagined" could make your way to the wild roaring sea as a swimmer or a beginner but WOOOPS.. blob blob you're heading to sea-bed!

That's what happened!
Insecurities, dependable independence, inherited sickness, worthlessness and worries,abandonment,...things you have seen and been applied to you all your life that made you the way you are, locked in your subconscious , there's no way for you to know it exists until you HAVE your own experience!
you would think you'd make an expert, you would think you won't make the mistakes again and again and again. you wouldn't think you'd fall in the trap of doing the things you have always been aware of always been criticizing. 
So the sleeping troubled person inside you arises, problems, fear, blame, doubt, jealousy, lonesome, GUILT, self-pity, carelessness and REVENGE!.

how can you learn to swim through life when you are in a pool of your own insecurities and painful childhood, apathetic selfish parents!
\
 miss-conceptua TV and Movies are your only source of love and affection. Only made belief ideas that has nothing to do with reality!

We are here to learn, it's never too late to learn to gradually let go of your weight and miss beliefs, wrong theories and false  religion.
It's never too late to learn and be BORN again.
to give birth to your OWN self, your individuality!
Then and only then YOUR life begins!

(The sad part is the time wasted and people you lose in the process.
All valuable things that let go of you.)

Braided

Tucked in..
Swirled
In the darkness of light
That black whole in space
A clown
Clown for sentiments
she cries and makes everyone laugh
she stumbles and falls.
Applause! 

OFF-Record.

Revealed and scrapped. WHY?
Because it's flooding out of the cup and it's pouring all over the pages and the ink is smeared all over.
It's sad you can't read a line but somehow you memorize what was written by heart.
and by heart this is how you'll see..
Hide it somewhere in your pupil but don't let others see it
Don't tear a poetry you once wrote
Don't take a way someone's hope
Don't promise, if you know time might be stronger than the better nature inside you.

Don't the "don't"... If you want a piece of advice, Don't give advises either ; no one learns from your mistakes anyways!

Those words i'm saying are off-records.
It's hard to be revealed!.

So let me ask you this!
After long time being he oddity of the "red" , Now, you have found planet "odd" How's it like when you find other green apples out there. is it a mind-delicious ?
Wait! I know, i don't need answers. I know the answer. Sadly enough.

And i know one day you'll remember this shade of "red" and question i'm sure this day is going to come , sooner or later, even though in my heart i wish you never see such a day but STILL. It wont change the fact that you will. you will.

Oh, so let me ask you before i forget and regret the silence!
What was all that for?
What was all that for?
What was all that for?
What was all that for?

I miss you Teddy! my teddy bear!

While people come and go... and things as well..
Awkwardly enough i find myself belonging to things/places more than to human beings!
I feel the wind and i can hear it talk.. I hear the hills breathe in and out like a sleeping beast..
I belong to my blanket, that when i was 5 years old.. i belonged to my pacifier
I belonged to the tree outside my window, and my room...my space ship that traveled with me all around
I belong to my notebook, to my CD'S , that song...
My desk!... my milky way, my secret keeper, my ever faithful friend!
Pieces of papers...most of all my teddy bears
Imagining a 28 year old still sleeps cuddling a teddy bear...she must be crazy
Believe me when i tell you i know such a person!
i dont know what that might be called ... i dont really care!
all i know that now i miss my teddy.. 

Stored...

Every little piece,
Ever tiny pixel,
Crafted together like a beautiful carpet
It takes her far away from the here and now
To, A place in time inside her head
A low-lit room with lots of pictures
Songs, words and dreams
Flipped on and on to make a wonderful
Storybook.
Every once in a while the carpet carries her
To a magic land
Where everything's stored
Once upon a cloud!
Building castles and singing heavenly sonatas
Dancing delightfully in the arms of an angle.
A moment inside a moment, inside a moment
And it last until forever.

Self-Disappointment!

Anger, Rage...revenge...
cant help but
REGRET!
the inner power to Self-destroyer anything and everything!
Self-talk...
come and sit around with me, tell me
what have you been through? what are you feeling?
...
Angry!
at self.. my dear self!
why do you do the things you do
this shield , why cant you let me in
I'm no stranger, its me.. i am You!
let me take away the axes
this is a feather for peace
i'll plant it inside you
to sweep away the dust inside you
and harvest wings you've been longing to have...
Fly above yourself and see what i see!
Purification!
...
why do you do the things you do?
before you get all defensive and raise your blades
don't hide? don't deny ..
take responsibility, admit it!
admit my dear self that you are wrong.
maybe then you'll see the shit you're in
perhaps because you allowed it all in!
..
Your mind is a maze,
It's a tricky place
Your heart is a well
you can not reach it core!
stuck in the middle
lost and drowned
a rabbit roaring like a lion
with whiskers for only God-knows what for?
trembling and shaking oh fearful you!
pretending that you are dancing
who else but the mirror will you fool?!

How can one simply change their fate?
How can one literally escape time... and linger in a moment forever.
How can one take back things they said?
How can one accept and endure reality?
How can one live?
How can one re-do?
How can one cope?
How can one be patient?

How can one simply change their destiny!

Doing a runner!

RUN ..RUN ...NOT TURNING BACK
i shut my ears and close my eyes and roll in a speed of thunder
"it's gonna get you.. no matter where you run..
It''s going to haunt you..
you can not hide anymore, not even inside yourself
pretend to be someone else"
"or maybe doubt all your alarming sense
out of breath but no stopping
out of place, out of reason
out of mind .. OUT"
running running running till the break of dawn
running running running racing time and space
until when? will she see.. all these mirrors
All the mirrors are reflecting the face she avoids
and the wind blows the way she's running from
and all the birds and all the trees.. all the scars on her knees
all the trails and mountains, river..sand, the palms of her hand
all the pebbles on the ground and the waves..the clouds and the moon
all the smiles and the cries and stars, all the galaxies
all the parallel lives , all the black holes in the universe
screams ..
THE TRUTH.

she knows.
lesson learned! , she's not running no more!
truth got her, got her by the soul
.. once, twice.. infinitive
..repetitive!
..
shaky legs, and teary eyes
with a heart that can almost stopping-beating
rising..  fainting, fighting..hanging on a thread
once a cowered .. tired of it being lost in her chaotic crowd
like a worn out warrior; a scaredy soldier
one wobbly step..
like a baby who's learning to walk
she's walking to the light
running back..
seeking truth!

I thought!...

I thought, thought ...thought and i thought!..
and my thinking haven't lead me anywhere but to square one!
Back to this hunch... this pinching-stranger-feeling inside my heart
i'd like to put it all aside but....
I know... where this maze is leading!
i see it from here... i see it from here
like invisible smoke flying in the air
dancing and shouting in my face,....HEY!
...
And no matter how hard i try...
to avoid the thoughts... they haunt me
they lock my arms and sew my mouth
and cuff my two feet!
..
Oh those feelings... Oh those fire alarms
Oh those voices in my head!

Words are cheap!
No longer believe in anything!
Everything is cheap
This life is,
and so you take a breath at a time
a sip of roses
and a dance with a moon beam?
you touch seventh sky and
then hit rock bottom
and then what?
and then what?
limitation to pleasures and pain.
a cycle of meaningless emotions
they evolve from the top of the circle
and the circle moves in its orbits
and the orbit is lost in space
hanging in there...
forever,
and ever
and ever!

Clam.. 

Silent!

Very still, far from numb. away from quietness.

A moment passed.

A moment came.

 She doesnt even hear her own breathing, neither in nor out!

She doesn't see, neither she's blind 

Out of moments and wheels of time

Orbits of space.

she remains weightless.

For only heavens knows how long.

Out of her skin

The cages of her body

The mazes of her mind

The shield of the universe 

Somewhere .. that's not even a place,

she remained. 

 & She believed she could dissolve in the think air!

peace of a soul!

I don't want to feel insecure anymore.. with all it's faces
I don't want to feel afraid , i don't want to be scared or suspicious! i don't want to be doubtful
I don't want to be alert all the time.

I want to feel safe, i want to feel peace, peace of mind , peace of heart .peace of soul
I long to feel secured just secured!

City Lights...

Not an unusual day.. it started like normal, the morning rush out of the door. the everyday catching crowd, trying to find parking place or a space in the infinite line for bread for coffee or just a sandwich... the everyday's sweat, hand shaking , shoulder pushing and snatching a SPACE.. just to save a minute or two or maybe ten! and rush back again to catch whatever and save some minute or two... or maybe five!

time is not flying but we are speeding up, up the stairs down the escalator...whatever it is! eat before you get eaten... catch before you get caught.. the rule of the jungle! and it is a jungle indeed.

that's what happens if you live in the city...a lot of things actually happen if you live in the city... different kinds of people, they are the same people who you stay with at home or at school or at work, and they always complain about...OTHER people... people always wonder about people and they always wonder about the same things OTHER people wonder about ... you'll find in the end both do same, you and i.. us and them and everybody is in the same boat in a way or the other.. or this is how it looks from far away!.

This is not exactly what i wanted to write about, somehow i found me mentioning the "city"...!
....And everything in the city is contradicting itself ... people rush to save or catch time but time runs short at the end of the day!,
Loud voices calling for bargains, some coins .. advertising for whatever , transportation..honking! everything is so loud and supposedly clear so you can hear it,  but fact is... you hear Nothing of those, just some noise that is so not in harmony in every possible way!.

Lights! city lights... traffic signals, Green!, street light. car headlights!
In the rush the details disappear!
In a rushing moment we could miss a chances that pass us by and knocks on our shoulders!
City lights are fascinating and delightful to the eye! but blinding for the soul!