Betrayal Grieve

 I don't know how to let myself feel. 

I'm sad and I'm hurt. I'm really hurting and I don't know how to express it or let it go

I'm trying to sit with this feeling and just let it rain. 

It's not a second nature to me. I'm uncomfortable and impatient. 

I'm irritable, I'm lost in thousands "why me" and "girl, you've felt it since day one" 

going in circles in my mind and no one knows the depth of my despair.

This is not the end. This is me being saved from people who are unpredictable and liars. 

Fake people, Fake friends, Fake promises, Fake representations, Fake Fake Fake Fake

I put my best in this job. Sweat and tears, I melted the very core of me

The best of me and poured it all over my work. and bit more

I was exhausted 

I was tired 

I was promised things that never happened

I was ignored

I was used 

I was mistreated 

I was undermined 

I was sabotaged 

but I still continued on 

Put my best suit on, a smile on my face, I ignited my dying sabotaged passion till it broke my bones.

I woke up everyday and bandaged myself up. covered my wounds, put makeup on and finished it with a smile. 

I knew my hard work will pay off. 

but all I got in the end was me put off the curb

in a midst of a pandemic 

in a midst of 

She betrayed me

Julie betrayed me, 

hurt my feelings

fooled me into believing 

that everything is a ok

from day one

since day one

I should have listened to my instincts 

than believing that she might be a decent person

she must have been right

when she said to me 

that I'm the most trusting person. 

should have known then 

that's it only means that she's the most untrustworthy person 

Even Yesenia 

crying to me about how everyone treated her

coming scared to me that they're recording her and using it against her 

telling me all the secrets that I shouldn't know

that Julie never paid her taxes since 2008 

and never closed her books

and that she cools her books

and how Sasha talks shit about me behind my back. 

and how Julie knows all the toxicity of work and how she's the one orchestrating the drama 

by pretending to be the good cop. 

I'm sick of them

I'm sick of gossip

I only wanted to do my work

I'm sick and tired

I'm deeply and emotionally hurt.

I have done nothing wrong

God, I have exhausted my health to do everything right

to excel at my job.

I was sabotaged 

I was fired. 

and now they tease me

sending me fire 

telling me I'm missing out

God, I don't deserve this

I'm in so much pain that i can not contain

I'm hurting

I'm deeply sad. 

God help me through this. 

You know I've done my best

Please don't let it go to waste 

What?

what are you hiding?
all these ships I've been sinking
I'm ebbing and flowing
and you have been slowly drifting

I'd never forget when once
you fooled me
I gave you the other cheek
price I pay
for wearing my heart on my sleeve

Anytime, you could fly
anytime you could leave
once day you say you're hear forever
another day you act like you're not mine
just another case bae
another case
of ain't no sunshine
aint no sunshine when you're gone

this time bae
there's no ray of light
when you're hear
i guess now
you won't run same script
on me

So what are you hiding
I flipped you pages way too many times
before
and many times more
so

SO, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

what are you hiding
baeeeee
what are you hinding
baaaaeeee
scared i might be finding
heeeeeeereeeee

yes this is supposed to be... 

Suffocated

Suffocated

When do I ever get a break.

You have the luxury to sit and wait

Just do whatever you please

and I'm here hurrying, worrying and carrying

everyone's weight on my shoulders

If I'm not running around 

I'm drowning within myself

demands

questions

expectations

obligations

phone calls

due dates 

status awaits 

on hold, delays 

& so the list goes

I'm tired

I say i'm tired

but who listens 

I'm tired

of all the loads

of blame 

of shame

of playing games

and pointing fingers

you excuse yourself

you're this, you're that

but then order me around

and expect me to do as you please

with a drop of a hat

matter of fact

I'm fed up

I'm done

down

I'm numb 

Suffocated 

and I think I swallowed too much 

salt water in my mouth

my eyes

my bones 

it burns 

So I'll leave it at that

a gasp of air

in the middle of my despair

I'm done expecting anyone to care

So I'll keep calm and carry on 

It's just life 

It's all good

There's nothing wrong 

just part of being human 

suffocated at birth 

and occasional need for oxygen 

a constant need for growth 

no time to self loathe 

I get it

I got it

it's all good

it's all good

 

Ever Enough

Nothing I do is ever enough!
and I do more than I can handle
you're asking for sympathy
you're asking for understanding
while I have given all that I had
in me
Now, where are those things
that you're asking me of?
Where's sympathy for me?
Where's understanding?

Take, Take, Take
Demand
Amount Due
dangle the carrot
beat it with a stick

If i was a well it would be empty
but you say I'm the sun
infinite power
even in the dark
I'm always present
but if you get closer
you'll see
in order to shine
I have to be consistently burning

SACRIFICE!

sacrifice for what?
what price?
sex?
company?
blame?

what's the sacrifice for?
price for being alive?
or being selfless?

still,

In the midst of blazing my time out
Like a  modern Joan Of Arch
ashing my dreams away
my youth
my potentials

Still

its not enough

In Plane Sight

Now that I've learned how to shine

after decades of self exile

I'll put the mask on

hidden, In plane sight

People will try to use you

in whichever way they can

we're built this way

Human nature if you may, say

I sympathies, I understand  

A light switch 

keeps me camouflaged 

what you see is what you get

when you're looking in my eyes

It's not an act of deception

to be who you're. On terms 

it's all about perception 

would you look deep enough

to see more than your reflections?

I used to be dazed and confused

asking million why's

used to feeling used

I thought that was the only way

until there was nothing left

Juts a shell of what was 

and there was nothing anymore

So I learned to break free

playing by the rules

I used to be bottled up 

now I'm in control
by losing control
all I wanted was a safe space
to scream and shout
to cry out loud
just couldn't find such place
so I had to let it all go
all the weights on my shoulders
I had to drop 'em all on the floor
It took a moment
a century
coming inside out
sewing those tears in my soul
rebuilding these broken wings

and learning how to fly

it's not so late

now that I find

who I rally  am

and who I was meant to become 

It might take longer

but I'm taking back my crown

stars...

Stars don't fail me now. I'm lost as can be inn the middle of now where of my
Own sobriety
Stars don't let leave me here on my own. Show me the way to where once was my home
Give me back my love
Unspell me from my unfortunate attempts to belong
Take away my tears
Give me hope, give me shelter
Make me believe again
Stars shine on me
Show me the way
I'm tired of all the moons that have failed me
Stars guide me
Find me
Stars...,
Don't fail me now!

Cliff-edge!

At the edge... I ve learned to play it unsafe, bareback, barefoot...i've jumped and crashed before and bounced and jumped and flew and walked on a thread underneath a volcanic mountain.

What am i to lose... and what would happen if!.. for once, things turned right!
Calculations, is like diet to me! something i wouldn't go for, Perfection is so imperfect to me... those plaided chess tables are way too in-place! My dance moves are , a fan to a stack of paper, not a 1 2 3!

and that was until... The day before the day!...
Let me tell you..

Once upon a time. In a far away land, back in time... There was a girl, Ordinary girl. Mind you this is not a fairy tale, yet that girl of my story didn't even believe in one. Instead she was living in one... A world of her own, A world of dreams, a make- belief.