Grief

Time.
such a valuable thing.
they say time is money
they say clock is ticking
they say there's a time for everything.

and there was a time when i laughed from my heart
there was a time when i knew i could reach the stars
yes, there was time i could roll with waves and walk on water
there was a time when they world couldn't fit me
there was time when i lived only for today
there was a time when my heart pounded like million drums
there was a time when i was so cool, a time when i played a fool
time when i wandered and wondered
time when my dreams came true
time when i got all i wanted and even more
they say there's a time to win
and a time to lose
times to surrender to fate and times to choose

there are times when i did what should be done.
there was a time when i knew exactly what i wanted
there was a time when i saw everything beautiful
there was a time when i believed and loved everyone

Time, once it slip away.. you cant get it back
there was a time good things come even to those who don't believe
there was a time when i was mended
there was a time when i was what i wanted to be

there was times and times and times
ups..
now is the down
i smiled so widely now its time to frown
times when i was so high
now its time to fall from the sky
there was a time when i felt with all my heart
now its time for the numbness to crawl all over my body
there was time when i was healing
time when i was wanted, desired accepted and loved
now its time to be abandoned, alone and pushed aside


time.
its night,now. sun is not on my side
its cloudy here in my head
its jaded , complicated , its in underground

Time...
they say, Kill it, before it kills you.
Time...
it goes slowly for those who wait
no time to hesitate..
Time...
its what it is, come what may

Time.
do you have some?
or did i just stole some from you reading my time scheme
Time.
It's my time for me to let you leave
im closing the door
shutting all windows
pulling all covers

its my private time to grief.

Koop Island Blues - Koop

Across The Universe

you whats the hardest?... waking up and going to sleep.

these two times of the day i can't bare the most. i wake up usually from a dream and usually i see him there and i wake up for a second trying to identify where i am, in Egypt or in California, in the past or in the future, but WAIT, thats not the hardest part yet the hardest part is the thought of him, weather im in California or Egypt, in my bed or my friends' im home or at a relative' somewhere, heavy emotions haunt me, posses me and take all over me. something i cant deny clutches inside the womb of my soul and give a long and difficult birth to thoughts of him and longing... some tears, some energy i can't even describe it or put a word to it, suffocating, drowning and in shock as if he was just lying next to me and i realized it was a dream.
struggle of bed, sometimes when the emotion is too much to handle i run out of bed, do anything just anything and get this melancholic aurora away from me.. i make it through the day and things wine down.

you know it has been three days here since this cruel plane flew me to where I'm, i didn't get out of the house not even stepped outside, everything and everywhere has a memory of him, even my simplest activity going from room to room releases the emotions and thoughts i had back then when i was in this place and we were together, even though he was all the way on the other part of the globe, we have memories in the whole town, in my back yard and in my uncles house, in the park, at work, in the mall, every street had a memory of me and him, and i dont think i can face it then, its like i flew all the way to another room, or as if im in a space ship but now im in it alone. i didn't want to come back. and its hard to erase all those memories and all those moments we had everywhere.

i feel like im walking in someone's dream, or it's like i'm living in a strange nightmere you know when you imagine your worst fear, so it comes to life. im living that life!

and going to sleep, going to sleep seem to me like my salvation even though i have hard times falling asleep, my thoughts with images and words tumble me and spins me around until i get dizzy and again i cant scape the thought of him or the thought of holding the phone and calling him up. many times i dialed the number and hung up before it connects and cries myself to sleep.
some nights i feel him around, i keep thinking about out happiest moments and call out for the two of us, the one we were, i feel like my hurt is gone and i relive the moment, imagining he's holding me tight and running his fingers through my hair, i curl up around the pillow and imagine as if it was him and weep silently asking him not to leave me again. and i sleep with a rolling tear and a faint smile on my lips.

this is the state im in, well not California of course even though this is where I'm right now...a very very version state of not only mind, but heart and soul.
but this is not the song am going to leave you with..
i'll leave with the most song that interpret my life. all long. lyrics, music and this Video TOO.

VIOLA!!!

Tangeled up in blue!

clogged, tangeled... going through endless hopps, running till the end of time, running the busy streets, up and down the stairs... running out of time or running out of breath.
no matter what you are running to or running from , running for or running out of. just RUN like hell!

yeah long intoduction im running in my head right now, thoughts are racing me and im racing time and reason (as always) i barely make sense to me at the moment.

you know when things just get tangeled and you go from a place to nother and the job is not done? its like something is getting in the way. and you try and try and try you just want to get the job done.
okay time to relax now folx!
nothing is more soothing now than sitting here and rewinding listening to the nice voice of Bob Dylan running in my head "Tangeled Up in Bluuuuuuuuuuuu" .

note...

if my life were a movie... it would be a musical.

i wake up with songs in my head, for every situations there's some tune, a symphony. I'm an instrument of life singing for luaghter and singing for the tears!...singing my life a way.

the gypsy in my soul...

is it fear or is it intuition? my ever revolving question!
its when i opened my old old note, back in the day when i was a sweet teenager! it took me by surprise when i found the same question written in one of my thoughts... i found many clues to today.
Do we predict our own future or is it premonition, they say you create your own fear! you become what you are afraid of, but what about senses, that hunch that tells you something and creeps you.

what about dreams that come true? i heard once from a psychiatrist that dreams that come true is some kind of intelligence, some people can predict the future based on some information and calculations they make nothing more nothing less!...

i find that strange to hear not that I'm denying my brain power but about the things that you have no shred idea about, something like a call a soft voice that whispers or a vision.
a hacking vision that invades your sight and you can see whats going to happen.
a glimpse...

my life, i cant judge any experience but my own and when it comes to me i can say that...
my life has always been a big chain of deja vu's .
some say am lucky, some say i bring it all around me like a magnet. i say its the gypsy in me.

yet i still wonder, fear? or fiction?!

Riding the wave...

A wave of emotions keeps crashing on me... once im the wave i keep rolling endlessly once up and once down..
wake up with a wave of love and longing, hours later with rage and dispise fllowed by some strange energy to break free from walls and curtains any material that blocks my free spirit.
gazing at the sun before it sets am i gazing at it or is it gazing at me? i always wonder
stars are eyes in the sky but they dont scare me, i always look forward looking in their eyes too, its like love, you can swin deep inside your lover soul by just looking into their eyes, they say that stars are human souls soaring up high, trapped and keeping us companied..isnt sun a big star? a closer star i wounder whos soul is it that is gazing at me while am gazing at it?

am still riding the wave of my crazy emotions. it ends up with boredom, blame.. sometimes i blame myself, others i find theres no room to blame me or anyone. keep thinking about other things. i remember some accidents or situations and suddenly .. I GET IT .. i laugh because its already too late but who cares they say too late is better than nothing!

some people dont have sense of humour, some do... but some dont understand the other types of laughter, a laugh is not always funny.. just like comedy, its not always comic, theres something called "black comedy".. like magic, theres something called "black magic" some people dont get that too.. they only get either the word "magic" or "comic" abd forget the word "black".. it changes everything.

thats when im on my own, i think im crazy sometimes, no , most of the times, those waves of emotions cant set me free, im trapped in a phase to the opposing other in a split of a second, from love to hate, from forgivness to revenge.

i wish i can find a way to ride contgrol the tides... at least understand whats behind it.